Zemyx: Forgiveness
by noobyaoiwriter
Summary: Why don't Lex and Demyx understand that it IS my fault? Because of me, Axel and Roxas are gone. This hole in my chest will stay forever.


Hello, people! :D This is my first-ever Zemyx one-shot, but my second one-shot. If you want to read my other one it's on my Deviantart account. I'm still noobyaoiwriter there, so I shouldn't be too hard to find. ^u^ The one-shot was AkuRoku called 'Daggers to the Heart'. ;) Check it out if you want. Anyways, so YAY my first Zemyx one-shot! :D On wide-ruled paper it's about 9 and a half pages and in Open Office it's just under 7 pages e_e and you know something? I wrote the whole thing in one big stroke of genius, in exactly 5 and a half hours, straight through with almost no distractions (except for the occasional 'favor' for my lazy-ass step-dad) X_x Whoa, how'd I do this that fast? O.o Weird... anyways, this turned out TOTALLY different then how I expected, but I'm not one to argue with my loveable emo-ish muse! ^w^ (If you can't figure out who it is, your house will be devoid of any and all chocolate by tomorrow morning XD) The very first part, about pain and whatnot, believe it or not, I got the idea for that explanation while I was puking my guts out yesterday morning. O.O Ok, maybe you didn't really need to know that XD oh well. Please review and comment! I need to know if it turned out horrible like I think it will. ;) BTW it's ALL in Zexion's narrative point of view, and in the present-tense instead of past-tense. ;D

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The human body objects to pain. Some people like pain, but they're defying their body's wishes. Most people, when they're in pain, can do nothing except sit and wait for it to end. Endure it. But.... what if it never leaves? What if there's a big, gaping hole in your chest and it gives you so much pain you can barely stand it, and you know it'll never go away? Could you learn to cope with the pain? Or would you just not function right, like a broken robot?

The answer is different for every person, I suppose. I know my answer, at least. No, I wouldn't function right. I don't right now. I can never be 'repaired', because this hole is permanent. There's just no way to escape this gut-wrenching pain. No way . . . aside from death.

Death. Death is my only escape. So . . . I'm going to kill myself. Simple, right? Wrong. How often does attempted suicide fail? More than it succeeds. I have to make sure I don't fail. It would only make me suffer more. So I have the perfect suicide plan. No, I'm not going to jump off a building. I could chicken out, and that would be unacceptable. No, I'm not going to stab myself and leave a bloody mess. I've caused the world enough trouble. I'm going to drown myself. I'm going to get in my car, drive over to a big, deep lake nearby, and just drive into it. No blood to leave behind, and no way to chicken out once my car hits the water.

But I can still chicken out now. No plan is flawless, I guess. Here I am, at the edge of the lake, my foot an inch away from the gas pedal . . . and frozen. Now what? I grit my teeth and shove, but my body won't listen to me. _Have you forgotten why you came this far??_ I scream inside my head. Then I flinch instinctively. 'No! How could I ever forget?' my brain asks. It's right. I could never forget. Isn't that why I'm doing this?

Axel is gone. Him and his boyfriend, Roxas. And it's _my_ fault. All my fault. I'm such a messed-up, worthless person, I even caused the deaths of two of only four people who could be called 'my friends'.

It happened about three months ago, in mid-to-late December. I got pneumonia, and it was my own fault, too, for forgetting a sweater and gloves for a week straight. It was very serious, and I had to stay in the hospital for about a week. Axel, Roxas, and Demyx were on their way to come visit me, like the caring people they are, and got caught up in a HUGE pile-up of cars, probably twenty or so cars all crashing at once. How does that even happen? How could there be such a BIG accident right at that moment? It must've been Fate, taking them away from me, punishing me for something yet again. I didn't even know until my only other friend, Lexaeus, came. He gave me the worst news ever. There was a huge accident down some street, and they were in it. Axel and Roxas didn't survive. Demyx was severely injured and on life support but he would live. Life is cruel to me. Oh, so cruel. If I hadn't been stupid and gotten myself very ill, they would all be alive and without a scratch. But Lex disagrees with that. _"No, Zexion! I forbid you to blame yourself for this! You didn't cause the accident, and they wouldn't want you to blame yourself! Never!"_ It was the longest, and most passionate, speech I'd ever heard out of my normally silent companion.

I _want_ to believe him, I really do! But . . . I just can't. Demyx was only just released from the hospital about a month ago. I would've visited him sometime - and thrown a million apologies at him for being so stupid and worthless - but I was afraid. Afraid that he'd be mad at me. Or worse; I was afraid he _wouldn't_ be mad at me. I wouldn't be able to take that. I haven't said good-bye to him, or Lex, and I don't plan on it. It would only be more painful for all three of us . . .

_ It was my fault! Let me pay off my debt!_ I yell inside my head. My brain spins with pure torment and anguish for a few seconds, and then gives in. I regain control of my body, relieved. I keep my eyes closed and my head firmly against the back of the seat so I don't smash into the windshield. I take a slow, deep breath, and then another._ 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . Go_. My foot smashes into the pedal, and I concentrate on keeping my eyes closed as the car lurches forward. It's only a few short seconds before there's a _thump_ as I go off the road and then a _SPLASH!_ as the car hits the water, and suddenly I can feel water seeping through the bottom of my shoes. I open my eyes and . . . wow. The car is already completely under the water, and I can see everything under the surface. Small fish, bigger fish, seaweed, and even two or three alligators. I'm completely distracted, staring at all of this life under the surface, that the water reaches my waist before I realize that _I succeeded_! The thought doesn't make me happy, but it doesn't make me sad. As I watch the water level rise slowly, I feel . . . calm. Peaceful. I chose my stage well. At least I'll die among this unseen beauty.

Once the water reaches my chin and I know this life of pain is almost over. I realize that the radio is still working. How strange. It's not water-proof or anything. As the water rises still more, I realize with a jolt what song is playing. A song from the band Sea of Flames, which happens to consist of Demyx, Axel, Roxas, and a few other people. Demyx was usually the singer, but Axel had written and sung this particular song, dedicated to his true love Roxas. I recognize it all too well. _Stay With Me Forever._

_The chains that tie us together can never be broken,  
But it's not like I ever wanted to try.  
We will be connected forever and always,  
And, baby, that's all right with me._

_Oh, please don't ever try to break away,  
Baby, please don't ever try to say good-bye.  
These chains will always keep me with you,  
So promise me you'll stay with me forever._

I can listen through the first chorus before my senses begin to fade. But my brain keeps whirring until the last few seconds. _Why? How? That can't be just coincidence! Axel . . . what are you telling me? Do you want me to come and be with you both? Or do you want me to stay here? . . . But, either way it doesn't matter, I guess. I'm coming for you whether you like it or not!_ Just before I completely fade into oblivion, I see the slightest flash of brown outside my car. _Roxas, is that you? Have you come to get me? Good. That means you forgive me. Thank you . . ._ And then the numb darkness swallows me forever.

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Most people don't like pain, but there are some who enjoy it. Likewise, most people fear death, but there are some who embrace it. Myself, I embrace it completely, thankful of it's numbness. I don't see why people are afraid of this. It's so easy, so peaceful, so perfect. Every last atom of pain, sadness, fear, anger, _everything_ just . . . disappears. Nothing matters, nothing happens, nothing goes wrong . . . nothing _exists_. Absolutely nothing exists here, not even_ me_. My body, my spirit, my heart . . . it's all blissfully non-existent. The only thing here is numb tranquility. Peace.

. . . If only it would've lasted forever like it's supposed to.

There is no 'time' in that place, but it doesn't last nearly long enough. All too soon, pain breaks through the barrier of unfeeling. Head-splitting, all-consuming, utterly unbearable, searing _agony_ so great I didn't think it possible. I want to scream, to beg, to cry, to escape inside myself, but I can do nothing. I have no mouth or voice with which to scream, beg, and cry. I have no self to escape into. I don't think I have anything. I'm just a size-less, shapeless, frozen group of way too much pain packed in one spot. Time is meaningless here as well, but every second seems like an eternity.

Thankfully, it doesn't last forever either. After I don't know how long, I slowly begin to exist again. I still have no body, but I can feel a wisp of my soul returning, then my thoughts, and then my heart, thumping faithfully, and it gives me _joy_ even though it was supposed to stop beating forever.

My body returns to me last, and I know the turmoil can't last much longer now. But, unfortunately, after I finally have all of me back I'm still frozen in place. My newly returned body refuses to let me control it. More time passes.

After much longer, the pain begins to decrease, a tiny bit at a time. I feel so relieved right then. Even such small amounts make it that much more tolerable. Eventually there's so much less of it that I manage to push it to the back of my mind. Once I do that, I can finally move again.

As I discover this, it feels as though an amazing pressure is lifted from my shoulders. I attempt to twitch my right index finger and am pleased when I succeed. I will my senses to start gathering information again and am immediately bombarded by a million little pieces of information that I hear, smell, taste, and touch. I hear next to nothing, only a mostly regular beeping noise, my own quick, shallow breathing, and the slower, deeper breathing of someone else nearby. I briefly ponder who the breathing belongs to, but then refocus on my other senses.

The air here - wherever 'here' is - is very . . . clean. Dry. Almost stale, I think. It smells familiar, but I can't name where from. I can also smell strong coffee, from the direction of the slower breathing.

There's an almost metallic taste in my mouth, unpleasant, and it reminds me of blood a little, but I can tell that's not what it is. I wonder, how long has it been since I've had something to eat or drink? I don't _feel_ hungry or thirsty. But I guess once you're dead you don't have to eat or drink anymore. Because I _am_ dead . . . right? Yes, of course I am. How could I not be? I drowned in the lake exactly as I planned to.

Wherever I am, I'm warm, on and under something soft. It feels like a cloud of fluff. Maybe it is. I'm dead, after all. Who knows?

After so long of nothing, and then nothing but excruciating pain, all of this is like a sea of information. But it's not complete. Why can't I see anything? Why won't my eyes open? I struggle to open them vainly, but it's hopeless and the effort is exhausting. I release my other four senses and sink into myself to wait for my strength to return to me.

I lose count of how many times the whole process of senses repeats itself. Everything is usually exactly the same, but occasionally I can sense something different. A few times the slower breathing comes from two places instead of one, and one time I feel something on my hand. It's another person's hand, I'm almost sure of it. The hand is trembling violently on mine. Like a sixth sense, I can practically _feel_ a tremendous amount of distress and fear passing from the other hand into mine. Who could be so troubled when they're dead just like me? Aside from that awful pain before, I don't think this is all that bad.

After these countless attempts, at some point I finally succeed in opening my eyes just a little bit. At first, there is only bright light. It hurts my eyes after so much darkness, but I'm afraid if I blink my eyes won't want to reopen. When the light becomes bearable, everything around me is white. Kind of like in a hospital room. But that was impossible. Why would there be a hospital for dead people? I shift my gaze to the right, where I think the slow breathing is coming from. My vision is blurry after so long, but I can just make out a head of brownish hair. _Roxas again? But where's Axel? Is he mad at me or something?_ My strength is dwindling, so I regretfully close my eyes and ponder Axel while waiting.

Three times more I do this, until I finally decide that I want to know more about all of this. My eyes open just enough to find the brown hair that's so familiar to me. The pain is only just barely still there and it reminds me of its presence when I turn my head to face Roxas completely. I ignore the small twinge easily. The metallic taste is still in my mouth. But it's time to see if I can talk yet or not.

Thankfully, speech doesn't take as much energy as sight does. My voice, unused for so long, is hoarse and very quiet, but I know he'll hear me. It's so silent here, after all. " Hey there. Miss me much?" The blob that is Roxas's hair lifts to reveal a blurred face. He jumps to his feet - I only just now notice the chair he'd been sitting in - and is at my side, bent down to match my level, in an instant. I hadn't realized I was lying down before this. But that doesn't matter to me at the moment. The only things I can focus on are his pain-filled words rushing out a mile a minute. " Oh my god, you're finally awake I was so afraid you would never wake up again it seems like you were unconscious forever and do you have ANY idea how worried both of us were I mean really how could you -" his words confuse me, but his voice confuses me more. It doesn't sound the way I remember it. I interrupt him quietly. " Um, Roxas where exactly am I?" He breaks off abruptly and stares at me. " Roxas? Zexy, it's me, Demyx! Don't you remember me? Roxas is dead." He sounds hurt. But it's no time for jokes. I frown a little. " Of course you're dead. So am I. You can't be Demyx, he's still alive." He stares at me in shock. I frown more, and then inhale sharply. " Unless you _are_ Demyx, and you died too. Well, this is great. Poor Lexaeus is all alone now. Unless he's dead as well." Roxas/Demyx is silent for almost a full minute. I can just barely make out a single tear rolling down his cheek. " Zexion, you think you're dead?" he asks, horrified. I raise one eyebrow at him. " Of course I'm dead. Why wouldn't I be? Isn't that why I drove into the lake and drowned myself?" I remind him irritably. This wasn't funny even for a second. Roxas/Demyx gapes at me, more horrified than before. " You did that _ON PURPOSE?!?!?_" His voice raises over two whole octaves. I give him my best 'is this a prank 'cause it's NOT funny!' look. " Of course I did. How could it have been an accident? Aren't you glad I came to be with you all?" I complain, glaring at him. He says nothing, but after a moment he stands and stumbles away through a door, looking completely numb with shock and horror. I can hear him rapidly dialing a number on a cell phone and then talking in a very panicked, high-pitched voice to the person he called. " Hello, Lex? You've got to get over here, fast! . . . No, he's fine, well, at least physically he is. He's finally awake, but he's talking crazy. . . . No, he thinks that he's dead. He thought I was Roxas. . . . No, he won't listen to me!" His voice rises to an anguished wail. " You have to help me convince him, please! You were there to comfort him after the accident, when I couldn't. Maybe he'll believe you. . . . Thank you so much, Lex, I owe you one. See you soon." I watch, a little irritated, as he comes back in, flashes me an anxious look, and then sits down and puts his head in his hands with a sigh. I blink, and narrow my eyes suspiciously. Why doesn't he just drop the act? I suppress a sigh, then close my eyes to wait.

Some amount of time later, probably about an hour or so, I hear a door open. I open my eyes to see Lexaeus. So he _is_ dead too. How did he and Demyx die? Lexaeus glances at me for a second, frowning, then walks over to Demyx. " I'm here." Demyx raises his head and smiles weakly. My vision isn't blurred any more and I'm shocked by how . . . _dead_ he looks. Not dead like really _dead_, but dead like tortured, almost-given-up dead. Why could he be so unhappy? All of us are dead now, so nothing else really matters except us anymore. " Good. Maybe he'll listen to you more than me." Lexaeus nods and then turns to face me. He raises one eyebrow at me. I copy his movement. " So, you're dead too. Good, that makes all of us." I say calmly. He frowns. " No, I'm not. Neither are you." he counters. I scoff, narrowing my eyes into slits. " Sure I am. What else could I be? A friggin' dog?" I demand impatiently. Lexaeus crossed his arms and glares. " You could be alive." he suggests sharply. " Impossible. There's no way I could've failed." I tell him matter-of-factly. I watch his brow wrinkle in disbelief. " Failed?" he repeats questioningly. I roll my eyes and nod slowly. " Yes, failed. Do you both _really_ think I could drive into a lake 'accidentally'?" I ask sarcastically. Do they really think so little of my driving skills? That statements breaks his calm demeanor, his face showing utter surprise. " What . . . you mean . . . you tried to . . . _kill yourself?!?_" he splutters. In the background, I can see Demyx shaking. His head is down so I can't see his face, but it looks like he's crying. " What could compel you to do something so . . . so_ idiotic_??" Lexaeus growls, his face turning red. I narrow my eyes viciously. " I'M the idiot? Lex, isn't it blaringly obvious?" He takes a step back, gritting his teeth in frustration. " No, it's_ not_." he seethes. " It's obvious to me. I caused their deaths, and almost his too-" I nod in Demyx's direction, " -so how else could I escape from the pain and guilt? Tell me that and _maybe_ I'll believe that I'm not dead."

Demyx's head snaps up in incredulity. " What in the world do you mean? It was an accident!" He protests angrily. " If I hadn't been stupid and gotten myself so sick, none of you would've been involved in that crash." I counter, balling my hand into a fist angrily. _Why don't they get it?_ Demyx comes over to me and places one hand on top of my fist. Lexaeus glares at me for a moment, then walks out the door. He's only mad because he's surprised and afraid, I know. I'll apologize later. Demyx looks at me pleadingly. " Zexy, it's not your fault!" he whispers. His face is twisted with pain and sadness. My hand unclenches under his gentle touch and I frown unhappily. " Yes it _is_, Demyx. They died because of _me_. What's the point in continuing to live after I've caused such a thing? I' be empty inside forever." I say mournfully. " But maybe I _am _alive, though I don't know how." I murmur almost to myself. Demyx's hand twitches against mine, and his eyebrows pull together. " You _are, _Zexion!" he promises. " You're alive because _I_ saved you!"

I can only gape at him for a moment. " You _saved _me?? How? _Why?_" I ask incredulously. Demyx frowns viciously and he squeezes my hand tighter. " I saw your car go into the lake. I swam over and broke the windshield with a rock to pull you out, and then called an ambulance." That must've been the flash of brown I'd seen. It wasn't Roxas then. " As for 'why', that's an idiotic question! Why wouldn't I save my _best friend?_" he demands. I blink and stay silent for a moment." I don't know." I admit. He goes on, his hand loosening it's grip on mine. " And it's _not _your fault, Zexion! You didn't _make _us come, we came on our own. Besides, how can you say such things! There's _every _reason to stay alive! You've still got Lex and me! You do you think we'd feel if you'd actually died? How could you be so _selfish?_" I flinch in surprise. I hadn't meant to be selfish. And looking at Demyx's tortured face, I think that they'd feel worse than they do now if I really had died. I bite my lip anxiously. I can feel a tear form and slide down my cheek. _Why am I crying? _" I'm sorry, Demyx." I say softly. " I'm sorry for all of this mess." Demyx looks at me frustratedly. " But that's just the problem!"he insists. " You _shouldn't _be sorry about Axel, Roxas, and I. Zexy, _I don't blame you, and they wouldn't either. _Don't you get it? You don't _have _to be forgiven by us. The only person who needs to forgive you is yourself." I can feel my lower lip trembling. " What if I _can't_?" His eyes are suddenly blazing like hot fire. " Then too bad." he growls. " You're not leaving my sight until you can!"

He lets go of my hand and grabs both sides of my face gently. " This, right here, is more precious to me than any material item. _My_ life would be pointless if any part of _this _gets hurt. Why don't you realize that?" he demands. I blink at him, confused. But my protest dies in my throat as he suddenly locks our lips together. My eyes widen in shock but instead of pulling away I stay frozen. When he pulls away I reach up and touch my lips with two fingers, still wide-eyed. My lips feel like they're tingling. I know I'm alive now. And maybe I'll stay that way for just a little longer. I'm silent for a moment, then hold up both hands to Demyx. " Help me up, please." I ask him softly. He looks unsure about my reaction but he pulls me into a sitting position. " Why?" he asks carefully. I blink at him, then smile a very tiny smile. " So I can do _this_." Before he can begin speaking, I grab his shirt collar with both hands and pull his lips back to mine forcefully.

_**End-ness**_

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So, there it is! ^^; Yeah, it's WAY different then when I started out. XD I hope it doesn't sound as weird as I think it does, though. ^u^ I know there's not much ACTUAL Zemyx in this, but if you noticed I left it open-ended for a reason the rest is up to yooouuu~~~~ * winks knowingly * Yes, I did make that whole song up this is the first time I'm every written song lyrics I hope they're good and you can understand the double-meaning to them. ;) Plus, sorry if I offended any Axel or Roxas fans by killing them, I like Axel too and it's HARD making him die!!!! * sniffles * :'( I wonder where the doctors were that whole time Zexy was conscious.... O.O


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